It's Your Snarky 2024 Browns Preview

 

Here we are on the precipice of yet another season of Browns football. `We all know it will end in bitter disappointment.  We just don't know the details yet.  The Vegas lines have the Browns as an 8.5 win team on the over/under season win totals.  That seems on point to me.  What 8.5 wins says is "this team could go to the Playoffs if they stay healthy and get good QB play".  Of course the undertone is also "this will be a losing team if they get cluster injuries to a position group or the QB singlehandedly destroys the team", which isn't very reassuring.  As it always seems to be, the key to success appears to be centered on the quarterback.  This gives me great concern as the Browns quarterback is a sack of shit.

Let's discuss Deshaun Watson.  He is, without question, the least likeable major player the team has had in my lifetime.  Maybe they had a guy in the late 1940s that was an ex-Nazi stormtrooper or something, but as far as I know Watson might be the absolute worst.  If you can get past what seems to be his clear sociopath sexual predator personality, which is a Herculean task onto itself, you get to what Watson is as a player in 2024.  He has been largely ineffective and for the last two years we have had to pretend this is due to him being "rusty".  When the Browns signed Flacco off the couch last year and dropped him into the offense, suddenly the team moved effortlessly down the field and the city embraced the team.  Guy hadn't even practiced and it turned out he somehow wasn't "rusty".  Flacco was like this cool uncle that came to visit.  We all had an amazing time with him, and then he went home and we were back sitting in the house with our asshole abusive stepdad Deshaun again.  

The Browns went to the playoffs last year despite have devastating injuries to the offensive line, and three months of terrible QB play.  You'd think the town would be jacked up about the season like we were the year after the tough playoff loss in Kansas City with Mayfield.  There should be great optimism about a team with a stingy defense that addressed their major need of inside line help, a returning group of proven veteran players, an upgraded receiving corps, and maybe even a version of Nick Chubb.  Instead there's this malaise about the season.  I think that all gets back to Watson and the community's collective "Aw, this fucking guy again?" attitude.

Make no mistake, Watson doesn't help himself.  Every time he opens his mouth I think "Is anyone advising him?  Does he have any sense of reality?".  It is crystal clear that Deshaun has only a marginal interest in football.  A friend of mine put it best when he said, "Deshaun looks at football the same way you look at cleaning your bathroom.  It's something you don't really want to do, but you have to every Sunday".  When you look at outgoing social media posts from quarterbacks around the league, here's how they spent their summers.  Jameis Winston, worked out and practiced football.  Tyrod Taylor, worked out and practiced football.  Jalen Hurts, worked out and practiced football.  Deshaun Watson, rode jet skis with his vapid girlfriend and bought diamond encrusted designer pajama outfits.  Watson gives all appearances of a guy that has accomplished what he set out to do, which was make a ton of money and then go buy frivolous stuff.  Sure, technically he has to get out on the field on Sunday, but he is just going to do the bare minimum of his obligations.  He is going to make sure and stay within that contract to keep the massive checks coming, but doing what it takes to win?  Hey, not interested.  He's got other shit going on like flying to Saudi Arabia, buying lime green cars, and opening shitty cheesesteak franchises.

The disconnect with the rest of the organization is clear.  Has there ever been a less engaged franchise QB?  For example, last week Watson told reporters he didn't know he was playing in the final preseason game.  This seems odd to me as I knew two weeks ago he had been penciled in to play in that game.  Watson clearly had his agent call the team and say "Deshaun isn't playing in that preseason game.  Read the contract.  He only plays in the regular season, when he is healthy, and it turns out that shoulder is a little sore.  He ain't playing.  See ya in 17 days."  Meanwhile Watson walks around the facility pretending he has no idea what is going on.  Remember when Brady, Manning, and Brees did that?  Oh yeah, me either.  Now suddenly Stefanski gets thrown out in front of the mic and is made to waffle around with some preposterous story about how Watson's shoulder is sore, but not too sore, just normal sore, and they might sit him out or maybe not this week and we will just have to wait and see.  Can you imagine how much that staff must hate Watson?  His name in the building has to be something derisive like "Good Old Fuckface" or something less charming.  

It sucks for the Browns that Watson, who hasn't played tackle football in ten months, is going to try to do so again against the Dallas Cowboys/Micah Parsons in Week 1 with God Knows Who at tackle.  Meanwhile the team knows goddamn well Jameis Winston is likely to start the majority of games this season after Watson a) gets hurt from lack of preparation or b) some phantom injury he conjures up so he can get back into his diamond pajamas and ride his jet ski in Croatia.  Why else would the Browns have signed Huntley into a room that already had Watson/Winston/DTR?  I firmly believe that Deshaun Watson will be out of pro football in two years.  He's semi-retired now.  He just has to show up to pick up his checks.  The Browns and Watson know that he's done.  We just aren't saying it publicly yet.  Wait and see how one of the backup QBs goes onto the injury list after the last preseason game with a soft tissue injury or concussion that you can't quite pin down.  They know they need 3 QBs and Watson can't be counted on to be one of them.          

For the Browns to win 9+ games, they are going to need to somehow get mediocre QB play from Watson for a month or so before he disappears.  They've jettisoned the idea of Watson singlehandedly winning them games.  Can he game manage a few wins out of the games he shows up to play?  After that, what does Jameis Winston have left in the tank?  They have the Giants, Raiders, and Commanders in the first 5 weeks of the season.  If they go 4-1, this team could be a playoff team.  If they somehow go 2-3?  What if Watson is even worse than it appears?  Yikes.  Oddly enough, I would feel confident about the Browns emerging from that stretch with a winning record with Jameis.  With Watson ?  Who the hell knows.  He's a guy that used to be good at football a half decade ago that now isn't that interested in football.  Maybe he can show up and wing it.  I doubt it though.

2024 Browns Football here we come.

Go Browns.