Crushed Dreams At The Home Opener: A Cleveland Tradition

 

Well, that's certainly a Brownsy start to the season.  As soon as that new kicker Shitzmyc (pronounced "Shits-Mick") blew that extra point, it was preordained that the Browns would lose by one point.  The only thing missing were the details.  This was a total Browns home opener.  They outplay the other team.  Did what they needed to win.  Then, at the key moment, fucked it up.  Twice.  Ball game.  Time to trudge out to your stupid Browns painted bus and put your shitty grill in the back and skulk on back home you rubber masked piece of shit loser.  It's 2025 and the team is going to suck just like it always has for an entire generation and will suck forever more.  Don't forget to send your ticket money in.  They're going to build you a new less convenient stadium to watch this shit team lose well into the next decade where you can shell out even more for parking as you enjoy the ambiance of beautiful Brookpark under consistent Frontier Airlines planes landing on your skull.  

I suppose it's all a matter of glass half full or half empty.  On the positive side the defense looked good after that awful first drive.  They shut down the Bengals completely in the second half and did enough to win.  There was a pass rush.  Chase got eliminated from the game.  As hoped for, the defense kept them in the game.  Offensively they were able to move the ball in double tight end sets with quick passes to mismatches in coverage.  The team looked organized and had minimal penalties.  They appeared to be a professional football team.  Not a great one mind you, but certainly competitive.

On the downside, they've got a real problem AGAIN at kicker.  If you watch Red Zone, all day long you see guys trot in and nail 60 yard kicks receiving "of course I hit that" high fives from teammates.  Meanwhile the Browns have yet another guy that singlehandedly loses a game for them on a routine field goal and a fucking extra point.  They had an entire year to zero in on a kicker.  By any estimate, it's the opposite of quarterback in the NFL.  At any given time there are 23-25 players that can have success at QB in the NFL.  Meanwhile there are 45 kickers that can succeed but the problem is there are only 32 jobs out there.  How the Browns manage to find these piece of shit kickers that can harpoon their early season hopes year after year is beyond belief.  It has to be something about that cursed ground on the lakefront, because after kickers leave the Browns they can suddenly knock home 50 yarders with icy calm.  Here they look like somebody pulled from the stands trying to hit a kick to win a Buick.  They should cut Shitzmyc tomorrow and bring Wonder Kicker back.  BTW, Wonder kicker is out of the league, found God in a Nashville hotel room and married that Cowboys cheerleader he was dating.  I did a deep dive on him last week for no real reason.  All I'm saying is maybe with The Lord on his side he'd hit that extra point.  I don't know... It's worth consideration.  Let's get it out of Shitzmyc's hands and into The Lord's.  

There's a real problem with the running backs.  I understand that Chubb was a generational player, but holy shit how are they going to get by with Ford and that midget rookie?  Ford had 6 carries for 8 yards.  Samson has 12 for 29 yards.  The team's longest run from scrimmage was 5 yards.  That bullshit slogan the Browns are running out there, "hardened by toughness" or whatever the fuck DOES NOT apply here.  Hopefully the now annual addition of an Ohio State player that beat his girlfriend (ahem.. allegedly) will help in that department.  They've got NOTHING in that running back room.  When you're looking at the field thinking "Man, Ben Tate would look good right now", you've got a problem.  

The other obvious issue is the lack of gamebreaking receivers.  Juedy is fast as fuck but he drops passes.  All the other receivers are a random collection of players you'll never remember in three years.  I think of the Browns receiving room as "The New Brian Robiskies" or maybe "Darrin Chiaverini Light".  These are not players that can change the game for you.  Thus, the Browns will have to win games with a million passes to the tight ends and keep the ball.  Sure, it can work.  Fannin caught 7 passes.  Flacco threw for 290 yards.  It just makes it hard when two passes ricochet off the receivers hands/chests for fucking interceptions.  This team has such a slim margin of error to win because all the money they'd use to buy playmakers is being spent by Deshaun Watson on diamond pants.  It's grim.  The Browns have no way to overcome Shitsmyc shanking field goals all over the place or balls careening off Juedy/Tillman.  It's why they aren't going to win many games this year.

Here we go again.  Another home opening win flushed down the toilet thanks to continued organizational inability to pay attention to detail.  The Steelers knocked back a 60 yard FG and played tough defense at the end of their game to win.  The Bengals pick off the Browns on a last gasp drive to win.  The Browns are looking at the waiver wire to try to figure out if whatever shit kicker they are poking at with a stick is better than their current shit kicker.  Meanwhile the Muni Lot is filled with grumbling fans putting tents back into their trunks saying "Fucking Browns.  I can't believe it." but in their bones they knew it would happen.  The Browns are back and so are ways to lose games you'd never expect but are revealed in front of your eyes as you think "of course that just happened".  The worst professional sports franchise is back and so are you.  Here comes the 2025 season.

Go Browns.