Cardinals Trounced, Muni Lot Rejoices

 

The Browns kicked the shit out of the Cardinals.  This is mostly because the Cardinals entered the season with just a few legitimate players and almost all of those guys are hurt.  That roster reminds me of The Cody Kessler Era Browns.  It's when you question your life choices while watching the game, because not only does the team have no chance to win, but they will bore the shit out of you while losing.  That's where the Cardinals are at Week 9.  Hence, the Cards got their dicks absolutely kicked in because they are tanking the season in hopes of escaping their ill-advised contract with Kyler Murray and landing a new franchise QB.  It's a close race to determine who has less positive relationships on their team between Watson and Murray, but it seems like Murray is obviously nestled into the role of "office pariah" where Watson is unaware that he's it and sees himself as The Man.  

The Cardinals decision to trade Josh Dobbs, a piece of shit journeyman backup, to somehow downgrade to Clayton Tune as this week's starter was met with ravenous hunger by the professional betting market which moved the line from Browns -8 to Browns -13.  Watson being named starter helped get the train rolling, but all indications were that serious people had learned "Clayton Tune is very bad at football".  The Browns offense is fairly horrible, so to see a thirteen point spread is rather eye opening.  The only time you see a line move five points in week is when you see a headline like "Tragic Squid Attack Claims Lives Of 9 Cardinals Starters".  However, within 13 seconds after kickoff it became evident that the Cardinals had NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER.  This week I had received a series of email marketing efforts from SeatGeek alerting me to the opportunity to buy tickets to this game to which my brain immediately responded "Are you out of your fucking mind?  I'm not giving you money for that.".  It's like getting an email offer for Magic Beans.  The NFL should have given these seats away as it wasn't a game, but a scrimmage between amateurs and professionals.

The problem for Browns fans after a game like this is embracing the false reality that this team is really good.  It isn't.  It's kinda good like the Jets or Vikings.  It's a .500 team.  It's a good defensive team with a shitty offense.  They are going to be in big trouble when they play teams that can score more than the zero (0) that the sack of shit Cardinals dropped on them today.  However, the defense continues to impress.  They sacked Tune seven times, intercepted him twice and held him to 17 yards passing.  The Cardinals only had 41 yards rushing.  One would think that the Cardinals would have picked up 100 yards in 4th quarter garbage time, but the Browns defense obviously decided they wanted a shutout.  I mean, Dalvin Tomlinson had 2.5 sacks, so that's a fairly good assessment about how badly things went for the Cardinals.     

The real negative about the Browns is that it continues to be all about Watson.  Watson had flashes looking like a big time QB on Sunday.  That throw down the right sideline to Cooper in stride was maybe his best pass as a Brown.  Of course, he also had about a dozen routine dump passes he placed behind receivers or into the ground.  I just find the guy so unlikeable that even when he succeeds I just sort of grumble.  He's been here two years, so maybe it's time that all the broadcasters stop talking about "rust".  People have earned associates degrees while working full time jobs in the time Watson has been a Brown, so let's get the expectations in line with reality.  CJ Stroud has been in the NFL ten minutes and he's making all the right reads.  Enough with the "shaking off the rust" horseshit.  I just can't seem to root for Watson.  It doesn't help that Watson struts into the stadium wearing a horrible leather suit that looks like a Marlboro logo while flashing his diamond watches and bracelets to the camera.  Hey man, glad you're doing well financially, but you're the 23rd ranked QB in a 32 team league right behind Jordan Love.  The only solace is that the Haslams paid for that tacky suit.  

Both Browns tackles went out to injury with Wills looking season ending.  I am not a doctor, but when the trainers immobilize the leg completely while the player is crying as the cart drives him off, I'd place that firmly in the column of "Bad News".  Having only two of the original starting offensive line is going to have to catch up to the team.  I realize that Wills was one of the favorite punching bags of the hardcore fan base, but it's not like they have a legit starting left tackle just hanging out in the weight room.  Offensive line is often very mysterious as players move in and out of the lineup without obvious impact, but at a certain point the Browns are going to move from "acceptable" level players to "that guy fucking sucks" players.   

The Browns are 5-3, yet still somehow third.  The Bengals look like they have weathered the storm of Burrow's injury.  The Steelers keep pulling rabbits out of their hat despite having no discernable offensive talent.  The Ravens?  Damn.  They look elite.  The games the next two weeks versus Baltimore and then Pittsburgh will determine the outcome of the year. They win them both, they are 7-3 and in the driver's seat to win the division.  They lose them both and they're 5-5 and doomed to that "In The Hunt" graphic the Networks will start using during Pregame Shows.  That's when sports talk callers shuffle off to the lines of conversation "If we didn't have those injuries to Blah, Blah and Blah, we would have won This Game and That Game and gone 13-4.".  Yeah man, whatever.  Everybody has injuries.  It's all about this week.  I have no faith whatsoever that they can beat Baltimore on the road, but if the team is going to prove me wrong and be for real in 2023, it's one they have to win.

Go Browns.