He Cannot Be Stopped. He Cannot Be Contained.

 

The Browns kicked the absolute shit out of the Texans, perhaps one of the only teams in the AFC more injured than they are.  Flacco, now without question the best quarterback the Browns have had since Bernie Kosar, is getting closer to that enormous lakefront statue project.  It will be jarring for first time visitors as they fly into Hopkins Airport to see the 600,000 lumen power lights shining from the Flacco statue eyes illuminating the landscape of NE Ohio like it is always 2pm in July, but with the massive windmill blades extending from the statue's arms providing the power, visitors can rest assured the city is environmentally conscious.  Nocturnal animals are going to be fucked, but that's a small sacrifice for the region to pay tribute to our new savior.  

It's incredible that teams needing QBs traded draft picks to get Josh Dobbs, started players like Clayton Tune at QB and Flacco was just sitting around waiting for a phone call.  You'd think someone would have taken a flier on Colt McCoy by now.  "Flacco worked.  You got Vinnie Testaverde's number?".  The expectation level on Flacco was that he'd be an acceptable backup.  Instead he has delivered a performance that makes Browns fans dread the inevitable return of Watson next year.  I have no idea how the team is going to deal with the not only the reduction in quality play with Watson, but also the lingering romanticism of this ride Flacco has taken the Browns fanbase on.  Oh well, that's next year's disaster in waiting, like when your car is making a weird knocking noise but since it's still running you just turn up the radio and make a mental note to "take care of it later".     

The game was basically over at halftime.  The Texans couldn't do shit on offense and the Browns moved the ball at will despite having no (0) running game.  Ford runs side to side on 9 of 10 carries, and Hunt will get you two yards on every carry, regardless if you need 2 or 5.  Why the Texans did not take away Amari Cooper by double teaming him remains a mystery.  As the only remaining dependable receiver, Cooper gets the first look on everything but screens and end zone Njoku plays. Cooper had 265 yards on 15 targets, which are the kind of stats that aren't real in the NFL and can only be run up on Madden Football video games.  Flacco reinforced how Cooper dependent the offense was by allowing the Texans to witness other Browns receivers dropping perfect passes in person, but they didn't seem to care.  They just let Cooper kill 'em.  

I have no clue how the Browns lost both kickers to injury.  Hopkins hurt his hamstring running, which seems like something a professional athlete that makes money with his legs should be able to do without hurting himself.  It was very unclear how Bojorquez got hurt.  Maybe he didn't want to get tossed out there to publicly fail trying to make an extra point?  You'd think those punters would fuck around and try to make field goals once in awhile because just punting the ball over and over again must be boring as shit.  I'm assuming these guys all have soccer backgrounds and would be inclined to try and kick balls through goals, but as soon as Hopkins went out Bojorquez did that move looking around at everyone else like when you were in school and the teacher yelled, "OK, who knows who drew that penis on the chalk board?".  Bojorquez was trying to pretend he didn't even know what a football was at that point.  "Can anyone here kick an extra point?"  Hmm?  Kick?  What do you mean?  I don't know what that means.  Oh, I forgot to tell you, my leg is kinda hurt.

I was super bummed that Super Kicker is somehow on the injured reserve for the Giants and can't get signed for the stretch run.  I also have no idea how a guy that hasn't played a game for the Giants got injured preparing to play football, but The Triumphant Return Of Cade York is out.  Maybe Flacco knows Mark Moseley and he can still kick.  I don't know how you find a kicker other than by referral.  It's got to be like getting a landscaper.  Regardless, the Browns have to find somebody fast, like by Thursday.  Also, since Bojorquez was the holder, the Browns need to find one of them too.  Seriously, how many injuries can this team sustain and keep winning?  Are they The Team Of Destiny?  It's starting to feel that way.  I can feel myself getting sucked in and mentally ticking off The Path To The Super Bowl.  "OK, the Browns will beat anyone from the South.  That's a given.  Kansas City looks shaky, so we beat them.  Maybe we get Buffalo or Miami at home when we win the AFC North..."  It's absurd.  This is a castoff QB, one starting offensive lineman, a receiver or two, and a pretty good defense.  The rest are just strangers in Browns uniforms somehow playing in the NFL.  I'm not fighting it. Why not the Browns?  Everyone else sorta sucks too.  Bring on the sack of shit Jets.

Go Browns.