Body Stocking Beats Browns

 

The Browns entered the last game with the intensity and attitude of the third preseason game.  The Bengals appeared to view it as their Super Bowl.  Midway second quarter I had the "why am I watching this?" moment as Cincinnati effortlessly went down the field against a bunch of Cleveland defensive players I had never seen before.  I could tell I wasn't the only one getting a little bored with the game as the producers kept cutting to show that woman in the white body stocking, who it turned out was Cincinnati QB Jake Browning's girlfriend that maintains a social media account primarily dedicated to pictures of her ass.  ( https://www.instagram.com/nileees/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=04f5d6e9-4be7-48b9-a6be-fcbb2c2a1034 ) 

What is there to really say about the game?  Siaka Ika went offsides on 4th and shorts providing Bengal first downs while making no tackles.  I have concerns about Ika's long term career hopes in football.  Jeff Driskel, a future trivia question answer we will all forget, put up a 4 QBR.  Driskel sort of showed a combination of Conner Shaw meets Bruce Gradkowski out there.  He had a good TD pass to David Bell late, but that pass he connected on to Cedric Tillman might have left Tillman dead.  That pass was basically tossing a puppy a dog biscuit right in front of a semi going 75 mph.  My condolences to the Tillman family.  

Besides the passing of Tillman, the Browns will go into next week's game versus the Texans in about as healthy a state as possible.  It's not ideal for the Browns to be playing a team that just had to have a high intensity win to get into the playoffs as they stood around in ponchos watching Jeff Driskel and Jake Browning's girlfriend's ass.  There is a bunch of degenerate gambling data that shows teams that rest everyone win less than 45% of the time in their playoff game.  It is an easy decision to rest players though if you're on the Browns staff.  Would you want to be in the Eagles front office today?  They lose to the Giants, lose AJ Brown, and Hurts breaks his finger.  Eagle fans are assholes when they're winning, so it has to be a hornet's nest over at Eagles HQ today.  No, nobody wants that kind of hassle.

The Browns should beat the Texans.  Will they?  Who the hell knows.  The Texans team they beat last month was Case Kenum and their practice squad receivers, not CJ Stroud.  I think the Texans can move the ball on the Browns.  The Texans defense is awful though.  You'd have to think the only thing they are focused on is "We can't let Amari Cooper have 700 yards like last time".  That suggests the Browns will be able to run the ball between the tackles (assuming Ford doesn't dance around behind the line) and throw to Njoku over the middle.  Again, this is the Browns we are talking about, so they could also turn the ball over five times and get blown out.  

Shockingly, the Browns do have their best look at winning the AFC since the Kosar Years.  Let's be honest, none of these teams in the AFC Playoffs looks like some sort of Goliath Super Team.  The Ravens are clearly the best team, but the Browns beat them once already in Baltimore.  Kansas City looks doomed.  Miami can't beat anyone but the shitty teams.  Buffalo will get a lot of chatter, but Josh Allen will turn the ball over a couple times per game.  The Texans and Steelers are teams that can pull off one win, but probably not two.  Why not the Browns?  If Pittsburgh beats Buffalo and Miami beats KC (both quite possible), the Browns would host a game in Cleveland vs Miami.  I'll take that matchup all day.  That puts the Ravens on a course of having to play Pittsburgh.  If there was ever a time to play the Ravens, it's after a Pittsburgh game.  The Browns are 14-1 to win the AFC, but that path right there is one they can navigate.

Of course, that's not what is going to happen.  We all know this.  What is going to happen is that they will lose in heartbreaking fashion.  The entire offseason will be spent talking about how much no one wants Watson to come back, but there's nothing we can do about it.  Watson is like somebody you work with that goes on vacation, and when he's gone you realize how much nicer it is when he isn't around.  Then when he comes back there will be that stiff conversation around the coffee machine.  "So... Was it a nice break?  Yeah?  I guess you probably heard but we hit the projection numbers and all got our bonus while you were gone.  Yeah...  So... um...  Good to have you back?".  This is the ultimate "enjoy the moment" time for the Browns.  It's going to get real Brownsy up ahead, so hopefully they can pull off a win or two in the Playoffs and this train can stay on the tracks a little longer.     

Go Browns.