F*cking Browns

First things first...  If you are aged 55 or older, you will never see the Browns win a Super Bowl.  It is important to grasp that and accept it.  This was likely their best look at a deep playoff run for the near future, and they showed everyone that this team had no business even chattering about how they could string together a few playoff wins.  Next season the team will have most of their payroll diverted to pay for a bottom tier injury plagued quarterback, will not be able to sign some of their key players, and will regress back down to the bottom of the conference.  The ownership group is not going anywhere unless they get abducted by aliens, or are in some luxury yacht shipwreck or something.  There is no hope.  I'm not telling you anything you don't already know in your heart to be true.  The Browns, stuck in a salary cap hell, will go back to their purpose of being a speed bump for better teams.  This was their last good look at the prize for a long time unless quarterback "Mr. Rusty" somehow becomes interested in winning NFL games.  

I have a long history of booking band gigs during marquee sporting events, and that's exactly what I did for this Browns game.  The Whiskey Daredevils had a gig Saturday night in Youngstown.  In my defense, when I booked it, the last thing I was worried about was the Browns in the Playoffs much less of the possibility of the game being scheduled on a Saturday late afternoon.  What are the odds?  In October if someone says "Want to play a show on a Saturday Night in mid-January?", the last thing you're thinking is "I hope the Browns aren't in the Playoffs and the game goes into the third quarter when I have to drive to Youngstown.".  My thinking was "I'm not doing shit in the middle of January.  Sure, let's do it.".

I'm the guy that in successive years booked shows in Chicago during NBA Title Runs for the Bulls.  One of those shows in Chicago was at this great club called Lounge Ax that had a monster three band bill that would have normally filled the place.  That night ended memorably when the band accepted an invitation to go to an underground S&M Club. (Full story here:  https://nursethehate.blogspot.com/search?q=Nurse+the+Hate%3A+A+Memory+From+Chicago 

Here's what I have learned playing indie rock music for 35 years.  It's generally very bad to be playing a rock music show on the same night as The Big Sports Event.  I was thinking it would be a Doomsday Scenario where I'd miss the key moments of the Browns game AND no one would come to the gig in Youngstown.  Luckily, the Browns would help me out by being hopelessly out of it very quickly.

I think we can all agree that from the outset of that Browns Wild Card game a collective "uh-oh" popped into every Browns fan's head.  It was three seconds into the game and I immediately thought "they're in trouble".  Whoever it was on the Texans that came up with their game plan should get plenty of momentum behind them in sports media next week as the new "offensive guru", because the Browns looked entirely outmatched.  The Greatest Defense In The World tag that the 2023 Browns liked to wave around was always fairly flimsy.  They always felt like a "good" defense, but it wasn't like that Ray Lewis Ravens Super Bowl unit where you knew the other team had no chance whatsoever.  Garrett has been a shell of the player he had been since he hurt his shoulder, and the secondary has been able to hide some flaws thanks to good fortune.  Obviously someone in Houston had watched some game film and said "Greg Newsome isn't very good at covering fast guys.  Since the Browns are playing man-to-man all the time, let's throw it at him and that other shitty backup guy.".  And that my friends, was that.

I had bet on the Browns.  I think we can speak frankly amongst each other.  Those AFC South teams all fucking blow.  The Browns had kicked the Texans ass so convincingly, and the Texans had backdoored their way into the Playoffs in the first place, it seemed the advantage was all on the Browns side.  Holy shit, did I misjudge that situation.  By the start of the second quarter I had quietly logged onto my app and hedged out and then some on "Texans -4" as the Browns fans watching the game in my house had moved from complaining about the mysterious no pass interference call into a more general steady stream of profanity.  "What the fucking fuck?" was a fairly consistent utterance.  That wasn't a game.  It was a beatdown.

Going into each season, there is a full expectation of ending the year muttering "fucking Browns" as the team embarrasses themselves in a public spectacle.  All Browns fans know that this is the inevitable end.  Being a Browns fan means knowing full well you will never be the ones at the Victory Parade covered in confetti.  That's the deal.  However, it felt like this team was going to whisk past the Texans and then have their horrible embarrassment next week.  I don't think anyone on the team or coaching staff took the Texans seriously enough.  With the exception of JOK flying around the field, there was a palpable lack of urgency on display.  It felt like they thought they'd just show up and chalk up the win doing the same thing they had done last time and hop on the plane home.  The entire Browns organization was defeated by the Texans, top to bottom.  As far as I know, the Browns trainers sucked yesterday too.   

Flacco tossing those two pick sixes was a little cruel.  It was definitely the burst of the magic bubble where he had been living.  I'm not sure how Flacco is remembered.  Will it be a fond memory of the cagey veteran that pulled a rabbit out of his hat, or "that guy that killed our dreams with his shitty interceptions"?  I'll tell you this.  The happiest guy in that entire stadium was Deshaun Watson.  It will be bad enough for him to come back next year being compared to Flacco, but can you imagine how bad that would be if Flacco had led the Browns to a playoff win or two?  The second happiest guy is GM Andrew Berry who now won't be pressured to sign and then inevitably start Flacco while cutting a $60M check to Watson so Deshaun can buy more designer pajama outfits.  Next season is very murky for the Browns.

It all worked out for me personally.  As the second half started I was getting ready to go out the door.  The Browns, down by 10, were on the Texans 34 and driving.  I was trying to figure out if I could stream the game on my laptop during the drive to Youngstown.  Then Flacco tossed that horrible interception down the sideline, gave up the TD, and it was over.  I went upstairs to get my little cowboy shirt and by the time I was back downstairs he had tossed another.  "He tossed another pick 6."  Wait...  What?  I left my computer on my coffee table.  I jumped in the van to listen to the radio broadcast team trying to make the post mortem of the 4th quarter sound compelling.  What a disappointment.  

It was an unsatisfying shit show of a playoff appearance.  The team that played in that Cincinnati debacle in Week 17 looked like the same team that got humiliated in Houston.  They just didn't have the horses or a good plan to compete.  The upside to the assbeating was that the bar we played was full.  I walked around before playing our set and everyone was saying the same thing.  Fucking Browns...

Go Browns.