Browns Win, Florida Hillbillies Go Home In Rain

 

The Browns won, but why don't I feel excited?  Let's be honest.  The Jacksonville Jaguars have a look of a team that those Florida Panhandle Crackers are going to forget about as soon as the next Monster Truck show drifts through the region.  They have a tramp stamp 8-9 tattoo across their expectations.  The Jags are like a shitty Florida strip plaza NFL franchise, like a t-shirt emporium/nail salon come to fruition as a legitimate NFL team.  How do you take seriously a team where the consistent camera shot is ten year old boys soaking in a piss drenched pool above the goal posts.  It's like some kind of Roman Centurion Future Nightmare but with teal Oakley sunglasses and chipped teeth.  I suspect that 27% of Jags fans are meth heads that found their tickets in discarded pizza boxes, but I just can't prove it.

Trevor Lawrence sorta sucks.  As I watched that game at no point was I thinking "Trevor Lawrence is going to triumphantly drive the Jaguars to victory.".  It was more, "Which one of these subpar teams is going to give away the game first?".  The biggest issue for the Browns is that they were called for 117 penalties, most of which they were guilty of.  I'm not saying the Jags didn't tackle Myles on every pass rush.  They did.  But on each Browns penalty when you watched the replay, you'd say "yeah that was totally a hold".  It was a sloppy ass game where as you watched it you thought, "These teams aren't very good".  Corey Bojorquez basically won the game with that mother of a punt.  I'm not sure how he's become one of my favorite players, but I enjoy saying in unsteady cadence "BEE-YOUR-Keeez" whenever he touches the ball.  It's a shame that David Bell suffered a dislocated hip, which must be a similar feeling to stepping on a landmine.  Hey, this is the NFL, and he will probably be shot up full of goo-goo juice and back on the field in two weeks to catch 2 passes for 17 yards with the long term payoff of walking with a limp from age 35 to death.  What a warrior! 

If I can let you in on a little secret... I was bummed out that Watson was "OK".  I thought for sure that this would be his last start in the NFL.  Her has sucked so bad, and is so disconnected from reality, it appeared like he would flame out and the Haslams would put a 20 pound bag of heroin on his carry on bag on the flight home.  "He's got drugs!  He's got drugs!".  This is that pure Browns result where the team wins, they don't look good doing it, and all the problems the team has identified are still there on Monday.  Watson is still obviously a subpar QB being paid like a premium QB and this was one of his good games.

The Browns have the Giants/Raiders/Commanders in their next three games.  If they are a playoff team, they need to go 3-0 through this stretch.  The team I saw play today is capable of losing to anyone.  Watson CANNOT complete passes past 10 yards.  They are a team without a difference making running back that lives in a short 8 yard playmaking zone.  You can't beat contending teams that way.  In theory they can try to rest on the defense, who looks really good again, and hope the offense can game manage their way to #moreglory.  I mean... I guess.  That doesn't seem to be the way teams of substance win divisions.  

I believe that the Browns are trying to figure out how to get out of the Watson contract, see if they can wriggle out of the cap hit with a "we didn't know he had a 27th sexual crime out there!" defense as if the first 26 didn't suggest potential problems crawling out of the sewer, and then tank for a couple years to start over again.  Their issue is clearly the timing of their new stadium grift, which will be tough to get financed when they have demonstrated for the kazillioneth time how inept they are by going 5-12.  There are a bunch of scenarios out there, and they're all bad.

Look, I'll be honest.  I thought the Browns would lose today.  I sort of hoped for it so we could rid ourselves of this Watson malaise that has settled on the area like a fungus.  You can feel the community doesn't like the team specifically because of Watson.  Can you ever recall a year coming off a playoff team where the city had so little enthusiasm for a season?  When I see a first down, I'm not "Hooray!  First down!".  My reaction is "Ehhhh fuck that guy...".  

Yesterday Watson celebrated his birthday by posting on social media photos of him in mink shirts on a boat smoking a cigar with a bunch of jewelry.  This came two days after the 27th civil lawsuit was filed on him, this one a rape.  How tone deaf do you have to be to post 7 photos of you in expensive outfits living what poor people think is a representation of "the good life"?  When I see the Browns succeed on offense, all I think is "ughhhhh" as it allows Watson to continue to rub our faces in how he took advantage of the Haslam's desperation.  I dunno.  Give me Brandon Weedon back.  He sucked, but at least I liked him.

Go Browns.