A quick note before I get into the Browns... To those of you that normally find me via Facebook, I am not available on the platform right now because of a joke I made about my basset hound Marvin. Marvin has the habit of eating rocks. Normally I would try to support his hobbies as much as I can as I believe in being a positive influence in the young dog's life. However, as these rocks have gotten stuck in his digestive tract and then the resulting surgeries have cost $3000 (X2), it has become a bit pricey. On Facebook I had made the comment that I would have to become a cocaine dealer to be able to finance this dog. The Facebook bots decided I was soliciting the sale and distribution of street drugs on my platform, which might be a very profitable use of the platform, but not what I was doing or suggesting. The Bots have suspended my account and I have now entered the Kafkaesque world of trying to contact a human being at the multi billion dollar Facebook corporation. I am not optimistic.
There are several wild rumors which abound after my sudden departure from Facebook. I heard that I was facing a horrible health crisis, which doesn't make much sense as if you were stricken with malaria the first thing on your to-do list probably isn't "disable Facebook". There was also speculation that I left Facebook as a protest to the election results. While my personal distaste for our upcoming President is large, leaving Facebook would only eliminate my opportunity to pointlessly argue with people that live in an alternate reality that think the past administration is controlling the weather and sent a hurricane to North Carolina. Every once in a while I like to stir those folks up with "science" and "reason", so that wasn't a factor either. Rest your minds and know that like the rest of you I am sitting in my bunker passively watching the Browns.
I am finding great enjoyment in the fact that the Browns have AGAIN found a backup QB that is clearly the superior player to The Sex Deviant, is wildly popular with the fans, and will AGAIN somehow not sign him after the season ends. Let's bask in the glory that is watching Jameis Winston play football. He's like Flacco but with a 1980s TV sitcom personality. With a shitty team like this, he is without question the only reason to watch. Can you imagine what this season would be like if the Browns had Cody Kessler or Case Keenum playing QB? You can! It's what we refer to around here as "Browns Football" and we saw that shit from 1999-2018.
The wild swings watching Jameis play are incredible. The Browns drive down the field and are ready to score as Winston tosses an incredibly risky pass across the field that goes for a pick six. "NO! NO! NO! AGHHHHHHHH!!!". About 14 seconds later the Browns get the ball back. "YES! YES! YES! TD! TD!". I'll take that all day long. Let's look at the Browns logically. They are a doomed team on a mission that is sure to fail. Every couple of decades they might win a playoff game. Other than that, it's all about having your optimism crushed under the snakeskin cowboy boot heel of the Haslam's poorly constructed plans. The team is entertainment, and if we aren't entertained watching The Sex Deviant take sacks and toss the ball into people's feet, let's get some more Jameis throwing the ball around the yard.
The Browns are the only 3-9 team I have ever seen that has had every national sports talk host enthusiastically pontificate about their backup QB. EVERYONE was talking Jameis last night despite the Browns losing, scheduled to lose again this Sunday and the Sunday after that. Teams like the Seahawks and Cardinals are still in the playoff hunt, and they might as well be La Liga franchises with the lack of discussion they are getting. The Browns have somehow stumbled into box office gold despite being irrefutably terrible. The only question is now is "How will the front office and ownership fuck this up?". If I am trying to con the region into giving me $1 billion dollars (with a "B") for my strip plaza future Halloween USA pipe dream looming disaster stadium, I want a face of the franchise that the region feels good about like Jameis. Yet, why do I feel like we are going to get Sex Devant Act III in 2025?
The two major questions that no one seems to want to answer are "How can they get out of ever putting Watson back on the field ever again?" and "With all of Watson's salary guaranteed, how can the team afford to put a legitimate NFL QB on the field in 2025?". While many Browns fans are now openly discussing Hollywood film answers like "car bomb" and "boating accident" to get rid of Watson, I don't know if Jimmy and the Haslam boys can pull that off. I see them more as a "bury you in lawsuits with Foghorn Leghorn attorney" type people. They are going to have to do something though because if they don't sign Winston (just like they let Flacco walk last year) to trot out Deshaun again with hollow front office support, they ain't getting that $1 billion dollars with a B to build that stupid new stadium. The problem is how much would they have to pay Jameis? If he rolls into the season as an acknowledged "bridge starter", he's going to get $15M Gardiner Minshew money. That puts the Browns at $80M in their QB room, which means with the money that is left we might see the triumphant return of Justin Gilbert at CB.
The great thing about the Browns moving forward is that you know whatever they will do will be wrong choice. It will be the unexpectedly wrong move, something you could have never predicted. Appreciating this upcoming disaster is really the key to enjoying the Browns. I have worked in sales partnerships with the Browns on and off for years. The one thing that has been consistent, regardless of the ownership, is the smug sense of superiority that they somehow swagger around with despite all evidence to the contrary. It would be amusing if it wasn't so infuriating. There is an idea amongst the population that these NFL behind the scenes people are fairly qualified. They're not. Look around your own job. You see some of the dopes that get hired because they knew someone, know nothing, and then get placed in a position of influence? That's the NFL too. That's why I can say with certainty the Browns handling of the offseason will be "poor" to "very poor". Will the Browns bungle the off season? Yes. We all know this. What we don't know yet is how.
Regarding the game on Monday, I had a great time watching it. Almost 500 yards of passing and three INTs? Hell yeah! Who cares about the end result. Jerry Jeudy from that game went from "disgraced draft bust" to "second team AFC Pro Bowl". They lost, but it didn't even matter. Frankly, I needed that second pick 6 to cover my Denver -6.5, so I was elated. The 2024 season was lost when the Browns continued to try and pound the square peg of "Watson" into the round hole of "franchise quarterback" in Week One. We might as well have some fun as the Browns head into their annual Rebuild. More Jameis!
Go Browns.
Normally I fall asleep during halftime of MNF with a half a can of beer in one hand and cigarette in the other. I actually was on the edge of my seat and made it through the wrap after the game. Enjoyed it more than any other game this season knowing in the end they wouldn’t win. Players are digging in , hoping to showcase what little talent they may have hopeful of earning a ticket out of here! On to Pittsburgh! I’m sure they won’t be kind….
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