Thank God It's Over. Browns 2024.

 

The Browns approached the game with the Ravens with the same sense of urgency of a preseason game #3.  I don't know what that bullshit was starting Bailey Zappe.  Does anyone in the NFL need to see more tape on Bailey Zappe to know what that guy is?  In a league constantly trying to find the 32 people on the planet that can effectively start and win a game at quarterback, the New England Patriots have shown plenty of evidence in the last two years that Zappe is the 41st-44th best available option.  Is Zappe better than DTR?  Yeah, I guess, but did we need to put Zappe out in a legitimate NFL football game to come to that conclusion?  

The Browns somehow managed to not cover a 20 point spread yesterday, a point spread larger than they had faced even in their Biblical 0-16 campaign.  The Browns not only lost 7 of their last 8, they failed to cover 7 of 8.  While to those of you not betting on games that might not mean much, think of it as they failed to exceed their limited expectations every week except that flukey lake effect snowstorm on a TH night against Pittsburgh.  The Browns were only favored 4 times in 17 games and finished 4-13 against the spread.  I like to think of the Browns as a little ATM machine that gives you free money almost every weekend.  If this were a European soccer league, we'd be watching the Browns get relegated and have to play Watford or Millwall next Fall.  Frankly, that's probably more their speed.

As expected the Browns fired Ken Dorsey and offensive line coach Andy Dickerson.  The biggest challenge that Dorsey had as the Browns OC appeared to be that he really sucks at his job.  I mean, the Bills got rid of him last year and immediately flourished.  The Browns brought him in and the offense went down the shitter.  What's the one constant there?  The NFL doesn't seem that different than guys working at car dealerships.  Even if you totally blow, chances are one of your boys is working down the street and will bring you in if you need a gig.  "Yeah man, Kenny is good people.  He got screwed in Cleveland.  Stefanski never wanted him there.  He'd be a good fit here."  Dorsey then claims that he is somehow responsible for generational athletic freak Josh Allen's success, aces the interview and takes his new team to 5-12.  Repeat in new city the following year.

I seriously doubt a new offensive line coach or OC is going to fix this thing.  It's like if a cancer patient has psoriasis, you give them some cream and when their scalp looks better announce, "The patient is cured!".  This organization is rotten to the core.  Myles seems to want out, and if I were him I would too.  What exactly can those front office clowns say to him that would make him think, "Boy, these guys really seem to have it all figured out now.  I should commit the last years of my pro football career to be a Cleveland Brown and enjoy almost unlimited success.".  Myles, do whatever you need to do to escape that lunatic asylum.  Joe Thomas stayed in Cleveland and toiled in pointless obscurity.  Alex Mack escaped to Atlanta, played in a Super Bowl and went to four Pro Bowls.  Who would you rather be?

As for the Browns, what do they do next?  I don't know if it matters.  They're still stuck with two more years of the Watson contract.  The last thing they want to do is play him, so I once again highly recommend they stage some sort of boating accident to make sure he doesn't show up to training camp.  Watson is feeling pretty good about himself again and has started posting pictures of himself with new watches and cars, so that's not a great sign for Browns fans.  Again, Watson is without question the most tone deaf athlete of his generation.  He may or may not try to get physically ready to play in the NFL next year at a high level, but I am positive he is going to show up to collect his paychecks.  It was impossible to win with Watson this season.  A torn achilles and half assed rehab won't make that situation any better in 2025.

Fans will undoubtedly get duped by whatever magic beans the NFL Draft is going to present them at the QB position.  The choice will be between the Three Ring Circus of Shedeur Sanders or the new Case Keenum that is Cam Ward.  There will be a lot of talk about Kirt Cousins coming in, but I think the one thing Kirt Cousins has shown is that his judgement is sound enough to not want to close out his career in an NFL backwater like Cleveland.  The only possible worse situation for Cousins would be the Raiders, but at least there the weather is good.  I see the Browns pendulum swinging from "veteran rehab project" that Watson turned out to be over to "hot prospect".  There is plenty of historical precedent.  For every Jeff Garcia, Trent Dilfer, Jake Delomme, and Brian Hoyer there has been a Brady Quinn, Colt McCoy, Deshone Kizer and Baker Mayfield.  Back and forth... Back and forth...

Myles hit the nail right on the head when he said this was a more disappointing season than the 0-16 team.  That 0-16 team was coming off a 1-15 and they clearly fucking sucked.  The assumption was that this team would be, at the very least, competitive.  I can already hear the sports talk callers talking about how "talented" this roster is over the next few months.  Wake up.  It isn't.  There are a few good players, a rickety offensive line, no running back, no #2 receiver, and most importantly, no quarterback.  On top of that, there's no money to pay anyone because they are paying a guy that is focused on buying platinum watches and mink motorcycles.  Even if there was a good ownership group and front office in place, the Browns would be fucked.  There isn't though.  The same fucking clowns in Berea who own the thing are definitely going to screw up the draft, turn the new stadium idea into a fiasco, and will sour their relationship with the city.  If you are one of those super passionate Browns fans, THIS is a great point to re-think your relationship with that franchise.  You will be a much happier person if you observe it with detachment, like watching a drunk singing in an alley.  It's just something that happening near you.  It has nothing to do with you.  Step away before some of that Browns sludge smears on you.

My hope is we get some good finger pointing and someone FINALLY notices that Paul Depodesta totally sucks and isn't Jonah Hill from "Moneyball".  Since Depodesta arrived to be Chief Strategy Officer, the team has had a .364 winning percentage.  Of the 32 teams in the NFL, the Browns have the 5th lowest number of wins since he walked in the door.  They are reportedly paying him $2M a year to win an average of 5.9 games a year.  He doesn't even live here.  He lives in La Jolla.  What a scam he worked out.  Jimmah, I can get you to 4 wins for $200K and a company car.  Give me a call.  What's going to happen?  It's going to get worse?

Go Browns.