New Browns Stadium (or Medical Mart II)
This new stadium hustle is the biggest scam levied on the people of NE Ohio since the doomed Medical Mart. Remember that "revitalization" project? With similar PT Barnum hucksterism, that project spent $465M of tax dollars on what might have been the dumbest idea anyone ever came up with that was allowed to continue until fruition. For the 98% of you reading this that never went to The Medical Mart, the idea was the city would build this showroom of hospital and medical shit and then people would flood to Cleveland to check it out. Why, there will be conventions year round of medical professionals staying in our hotels, eating at our restaurants and buying gobs of medical shit! Shockingly, the medical community decided to keep having conventions in Vegas and the Medical Mart meekly closed in 2020. Yet, the Medical Mart might be a better idea than this new stadium grift being rolled out by NE Ohio's favorite carpetbaggers The Haslams.
The Browns released a letter to the public where they lay their scheme out. You can read that below, but I'll cull the highlights for you and comment along the way..
"First, we've done extensive diligence and have concluded that a new enclosed stadium with an adjacent mixed-used development is the most viable long-term solution." Translation: When we backwards engineered/decided to build a new stadium we wanted someplace where we could scrape every scrap of revenue into our pockets so we needed to own all the land and Brookpark land is cheap as shit.
"The enclosed stadium will draw millions of visitors to the region throughout the year for premier large-scale events which will drive the fiscal and economic impact necessary to pay for the public portion of the funding model." Translation: We are going to just make up some numbers here to dazzle you with and jam this thing through. Let's say "millions of visitors" equals 2 million. The stadium is designed to hold 67,000 fans. There are 8 or 9 home games each year, but let's call it 9. That means 603,000 people if they sell out every seat to every game BUT we all know that the games tend to be meaningless in Nov and Dec because they are the least effective sports team owners in NFL history. Still, let's say that's 600,000 people. OK... where are 1,400,000 more people coming from? That would require 21 additional sold out events at the stadium EVERY YEAR. For example, Detroit has six (6) scheduled non-football events in 2025 (AC/DC, Post Malone, The Weekend twice, Kendrick Lamar and Bill Joel). So ummmm... What are 15 other artists that can fill a football stadium regardless if they are touring? Can Mick and Keef go again? Do people still really like Def Leppard? Conclusion: You'll be lucky to get 750,000 people a year in that thing and their public revenue projections are a fucking fantasy.
"Deliver the ultimate Browns fan experience with an innovative transparent roof, maximizing natural light to provide the feel of the outdoors while amplifying the sounds of gameday or a live concert, a seating bowl with the closest seats to the action for the most intimate feel of any NFL stadium, and an NFL first-of-its-kind "Fan Wall" to celebrate our team's most ardent fans and intimidate opponents." Translation: We are generating some unbelievably high priced ticket areas so you can go see Kenny Pickett up close and personal while simultaneously making a new corporate sponsored screen that will project all those cringey people in dog costumes that make you embarrassed that you live in NE Ohio while we pocket the money. Again.
"Provide unique club, concourse experiences and a wide range of products not available at the current location." Translation: It's going to be the same old shit with jacked up stadium prices but just more of it so we can generate more revenue.
"We love Cleveland and Northeast Ohio and are committed to our community, our schools, our youth sports programs, our involvement in local healthcare, and our extensive impact programs." They don't and aren't.
Now at this point the Browns are all lawyered up as they are clearly breaking The Modell Law by attempting to move the team. When they bought the team, the deal was they couldn't move it. However, these are billionaires that gave our ethically flexible Republican state officials $6M in the last two years and were the second largest individual contributors to defeat anti-gerrymandering issues, so this Piece Of Shit Grift Palace is getting built. While they continue to wave the flag about how much they are kicking in, SURPRISE!, the state of Ohio is giving them $600M while also cutting the state education budget by, SURPRISE!, $600M. The Mayor of Cleveland wrote some angry letter that is 100% on point, but this friggen thing is getting jammed through. Now the only question is how The Grifters snake back and take over the lakefront.
None of this makes any sense whatsoever unless you are named "Haslam". Yesterday the Browns had an email with cost and revenue breakdowns on it, but they took mysteriously that down in a hurry because none of that shit added up. None of these "mixed use" stadiums finances ever add up. Study after study by people with no skin in the game show the same thing. The citizens get screwed. Here's the basic idea... You work. You pay taxes. Taxes goes to the government. They give that to the Haslams. The Haslams charge outlandish sums for tickets and parking. The Haslams get more money. The Browns keep losing. Ta-dah!
My favorite part of this pipedream scam is the "mixed use retail". So, here's the pitch... We are going to erect super expensive condos in Brookpark directly in the airport flight path over by the seedy strip clubs and EVERYONE will want to live there. There will also be 10-12 stores over there, so just in case you want to go to a Lids, Sunglass Hut, or Rally House you should definitely drive past the four near your home and go out to the almost always empty stadium to shop. That is supposed to bring in $1.2B (BILLION with a "B"). Oh yeah... fuck yeah... that's going to be a waterfall of revenue. I am definitely selling my house so I can live next to a parking lot in Brookpark so I can walk to a Starbucks as a 757 thunders overhead. It is going to be totally amazing. It doesn't defy logic. It's not like the Medical Mart at all.
As the team prepares to bungle yet another draft pick next month, just know that they are also preparing to screw you in the wallet even if you never buy a ticket to that accursed Temple of Failure. It's so Cleveland. Who else would be so beholden to such a shit franchise? The problem with this city is we don't have anyone here that builds anything. All of our civic mover and shakers are real estate developers, which means they like building shit so they can pad out some contracts. If you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Who gives a shit if the facility is needed, makes any sense or will be there ten years from now? We will just tear it down an build another. More grift baby! This team and entire organization really is the absolute worst. Whenever you think the Browns can't make themselves less likable, don't worry. They'll find a way.
Go Browns.
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