Unstoppable Browns Win, Let's Rebuild Again!

 

The Browns winning on Sunday and finishing 5-12 might oddly enough be considered a success.  This is a team that just won two games in a row with one offensive touchdown.  That's a helluva trick.  The Browns managed to score less points than every other team but the Raiders and somehow still won 5 games.  The problem is if you start to measure the Browns success against "actual success", things start to fall apart.  They had a -100 point differential and lost to the Jets/Titans.  That's enough to probably cost Stefanski his job.  The Browns unlikely win today with Myles setting the sack record is a nice little sendoff for Stefanski, who probably needs a change of scenery anyway.  Sell your house and get out of here.  It's not really your fault.  No one can win with the Haslams.  Kevin should go back to being a coordinator and blend into a corporate structure.  He'll be happier that way.  "My door is always open."- Kevin Stefanski on his first day of his next job. 

I'll talk about the game, but honestly it sort of had that "preseason Game 3" feel to it with players on both sides playing hard enough to make sure they keep their jobs, but not exactly with the same intensity of Week 1 of the regular season.  There were plenty of dudes with airline tickets out of town and pending beachfront vacations on both sides of the line, so no one was going to bleed out on the field for victory.  The only possible way the Browns could have won that game was with those two (2) defensive scores, because the Browns offense is like a pro football version of "100 monkeys with 100 typewriters typing for 100 years" hoping one of them knocks out "Hamlet".  They cannot reliably get down the field with the players suited up for that offense.  You had Bitonio and four other random men blocking to allow the running backs to have 15 carries for 58 yards.  The leading receiver was Cedric Tillman with one catch for 23 yards. That is not a typo.  And that's against the 29th defense in the league.  We have seen plenty of bad offense in those ugly Browns uniforms over the years, but this season's team was somehow even worse than normal.  

Thank God that dipshit Zac Taylor coaches the Bengals who went into that prevent to allow Sanders to have enough time to find receivers at the end.  It's the only way they could have gotten Shitsnick into FG range.  The offense cannot continue like this going into 2026.  They need at least four new offensive linemen next season.  That won't be the annoying conversation all winter though.  From now until April, it's going to be All Quarterback, All The Time.  I'm feeling rather ambivalent about Shedeur at this point.  He can make some throws, but his decision making process is shaky.  He sort of sucks, but he's the best alternative.  How many balls did he throw that should have been picked off on Sunday?  Four?  Five?  That one crossing route where the Bengal Dback dropped the ball was fortunate because the other Bengals Dback behind him would have caught it for sure.  The offseason for the Browns is going to become two redundant sports talk phone calls over and over and over.

Dildo Caller One:  Hey, longtime listener first time caller... I just wanted to call in from a $7 Ronco speaker phone to say that Shadeur just needs time to develop.  We got lucky to get him in Round 5 because before the draft there was all that talk about him going #1 overall, so he's pretty much ALREADY A FIRST ROUND QB!  The team just needs to be patient and let him develop, just like the Bears did with Caleb Williams.  Now that we have (insert new coach or offensive coordinator name here), they can start playing to Shadeur's strengths with more downfield throws.  He's probably the best QB in the AFC North!!!

Dildo Caller Two:  Hey, love the show... I'm calling from my rathole apartment in Euclid to say Sanders ISN'T the answer.  What we need to do is (insert totally fucking illogical player acquisition plan).  This is where the caller suggests we trade for Joe Burrow by offering a backup tight end and a third rounder, trade up in the draft magically and secure whatever untested shitty college QB the caller has his heart set on, or maybe sign some washed out free agent that will somehow become good again like Kyler Murray or Jimmy G or some such shit.

That's it.  All winter long.  Unless we start bombing Mexico (a distinct possibility), the only thing anyone will want to talk about are these two stupid quarterback scenarios.  I am considering using that Propofol anesthesia Michael Jackson used to sleep every night just to get through the winter so I don't have to listen to "Jerry From Mentor" say stupid shit on local sports talk radio.  If you see me nodding off at a traffic light, don't be alarmed.  I am just trying to get to April after the draft when Browns fans convince themselves that all the players they picked are about to make the team a Super Bowl contender.   

It's quite a situation.  After the back half of the season it's hard to imagine the team feels great about Sanders being the starter in 2026.  He's not looking like "The Answer", but that doesn't mean he won't be "The Answer For Right Now".  It's hard to get worked up about any of the available options.  The Browns don't have a lot of good choices drafting #7 in this draft.  Moving forward, it's probably going to be Sanders or (God forbid) DeShaun Watson because they can't afford anyone else.  Until they shed The Sex Deviant and his Diamond Pants off the salary cap, the Browns have to live in the reality that they can't afford nice things.  If I am setting a Vegas win total on the Browns going into 2026, I'm at 5.5 wins (and I'd bet "Under").  This team is a mess and there is no quick fix.  We might look back fondly on 2025 if the wheels falls off the defense next year.  Shiver me timbers.

Myles Garrett's sack record is a real achievement.  He got 23 sacks on a shit team that only had two games (Raiders and Dolphins) where the opponent was in a "must pass" come from behind scenario.  The defensive line around him was good, and Myles stayed healthy (I guess?) so this will be his high water mark as a pro.  It's too bad that he is the slightly splashier version of Joe Thomas toiling in the obscurity of being a Brown, as otherwise he'd be a generational player discussed for the next two decades in hushed tones.  Nationally most people probably haven't seen him play more than 2-3 games in his career, unless of course you think people get the Sunday Ticket to zero in on that late season Browns v Jets game.  

The season has been over since October 5th when they lost to the Vikings in London to go 1-4 with Dillon Gabriel.  The real action for the Browns starts on Monday when they decide to cut bait with Stefanski (and God knows who else) and bring in whatever ill-conceived front office/coaching staff the geniuses that own this team think can fix it.  The one thing you know deep in your heart is this.  It won't make any difference.  There is no quick fix.  This is going to be a long painful slog as this piece of shit franchise continues to drag themselves out of the hole they dug with the Watson Debacle.  I think Stefanski is going to get painted as some sort of blameless victim, but he was only 26-24 before the Watson trade.  He's no difference maker.  Mayfield has won the NFC South 2 of the last 3 years and all three years were better than with Stefanski.  The offense is broken and Stefanski did it.  Time to bring in some new blood, but the problem is of course that the organization will fuck up the hire.  When you get down to it, 2025 looked a lot like 2024, which will look a lot like 2026.

Go Browns.